the hardest thing
by elspeth725
Summary: misao centric fic on crossroads and choices


The Hardest Thing  
By Elspeth  
  
The raven-haired girl sat on the cushion on the far side of the small room, staring blankly at the mirror in front of her. So deep in thought, that the opening and closing of the shoji door went unnoticed, so did the older black-haired woman who began to run gentle fingers through her hair.  
  
Dark chocolate brown eyes twinkling mischievously down at her...  
  
"Stop it!" she whispered harshly to herself. "Baka!"  
  
"Nani, Misao-chan?" Okon asked, looking down at her curiously.  
  
"N...nothing, Okon" Misao said jerking guiltily from her musing. "I was just arguing with myself." She smiled weakly at the older woman's reflection in the mirror.  
  
Okon chuckled softly, as she pulled part of Misao's hair in loose coil securing it with a pin. "Nervous?"  
  
"H.hai."  
  
"That's normal." Okon commented, as her slender hands worked expertly through her hair. "This is after all a big step in any girl's life, but you will be fine. I'm so happy for you, Misao. You've loved for so long. You are exactly what he needs to bring him back to himself, to heal him. You will make him happy, Misao-chan!"  
  
"I.I will." Misao said faintly, small slender hands clutching at the soft fabric of her kimono.  
  
"THERE! All done!" Okon proclaimed, as she placed the last pin on her hair. "What do you think?" She asked proudly inspecting her work.  
  
Misao stared at her reflection unseeingly. "It's beautiful. Arigato, Okon- kun."  
  
"You are beautiful." Okon said, smiling fondly at the younger girl. "Well I'd better go down and help Omasu with the food. You'd think she was the one getting married, she's more nervous that you are!" She laughed as she strode towards the door.  
  
Misao smiled slightly in Okon's direction as she stepped out of the room.  
  
"Stupid girl! You idiot!" She berated herself softly, looking down at her hands. "She's right, this is what you want, isn't it? A chance to exorcise his demons, to heal him, to put a smile on his face. YOU LOVE HIM."  
  
She defiantly grabbed the blue butterfly comb on top of the chest and secured it on her hair. She looked at her reflection critically. The girl. no, the woman who stared back at her was someone she did not recognize. From the freshly powdered face, slightly pink cheeks and full red lips to the elaborately styled hair. Part of it expertly coiled, twisted and curled with a thin blue ribbon weaving its way through it and part falling gracefully down her back. The formal white silk kimono she wore with its delicate butterfly embroidery and dark blue obi fit her slender form perfectly.  
  
She looked as she should.  
  
A bride.  
  
The only thing different were the eyes.  
  
The blue eyes that stared back at her looked as confused as she felt.  
  
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Misao buried her face in her hands; silent sobs racked her slender frame. "Kuso!" She cursed rubbing at her cheeks with her fists.  
  
"Stop it, Misao-baka! I can't understand why you're so bothered by this!! What's wrong with you? " She berated herself.  
  
::Why couldn't he see? BAKA! What's wrong with me? Why can't he see that I'm not the little girl he knew anymore? There must be something I did wrong! Damn it!::  
  
"Oi! Weasel girl Daijoubu?" A deep male voice asked behind her.  
  
Misao jerked back in surprise, she hastily wipe away her tear stained cheeks and twisted in her seat to see the tall lanky form of Sanosuke Sagara standing in the middle of the courtyard looking at her concerned. "Sano?!! What are you doing here?" She asked, surprised.  
  
Sano shrugged. "An old friend of mine asked for a favor and it brought me to Kyoto. I thought I'd drop by before I head back home. Well, actually Jouchan made me promise to visit and see if you're doing alright." He explained as he walked closer to the bench she was sitting on. "So, busu weasel girl, the question is ARE you alright?"  
  
Normally Misao would be thrashing Sano around for the insult but right now she just didn't have to the energy to berate him for it. She sighed tiredly. "I'm fine, Sano. Genki-genki."  
  
Sano's eyes widened in surprise, ::she must really by depressed if she won't even insult me back.:: Then his gaze softened when the obvious cause of her melancholy state occurred to him. "Aoshi?" He asked as he sat down beside her.  
  
To Misao's horror and disgust fresh tears clouded her eyes and threatened to spill down her cheeks. "Gomen ne" She said quietly, frantically wiping her tears with the sleeves of her kimono.  
  
Sanosuke frowned. He was at loss, not entirely sure how to handle the situation. Then a huge grin graced his handsome face when the obvious answer occurred to him. "Come on!" He said urgently. He grabbed one of her hands and proceeded to drag her towards the gate.  
  
"Nani?!" She exclaimed startled, tugging on his tight hold on her wrist. "Matte! Where are we going?!"  
  
Sano stopped and looked back at her. "Shopping." He said, solemnly.  
  
Misao blinked. "Shopping? What for?"  
  
Sano's expression turned confused. "Isn't that what women do when they're upset?" was his nonchalant answer before continuing to drag her out of Aoiya.  
  
And she laughed.  
  
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THWAP!  
  
"Itai!" Sano yelled, clutching at his side where Misao punched him only moments before. "Misao that hurt!!!" He grouched.  
  
"We're sparring, BAKA! It's supposed to hurt!" Misao laughed, from her perch on of the trees surrounding the yard. Without warning she jumped down and landed a well-aimed kick to his leg sending him to the ground in an ungraceful heap. She proceeded to tumble out of reach, twisting in the air to land on the other side of the yard. "You're too slow Tori-atama!!"  
  
"Slow. Ha! I'll show you slow weasel girl." He grumbled, pushing himself to his feet. Then he moved, far too quickly than Misao had ever seen him move before, out of her line of sight.  
  
"Kuso!" She exclaimed, looking around wildly for him.  
  
"Aaaackk!" She cried out, when she was suddenly tackled from the side sending her crashing to the ground on her behind.  
  
"So? Who's slow now? Huh?" Sano asked arrogantly from his place above her, his hands on either side of her head taking most of his weight off of her. His laughing brown eyes twinkling mischievously down at her.  
  
"HMPH!" was her only comment before digging her slender fingers on his sides wriggling them slightly.  
  
His loud inhibited laughter echoed throughout the Aoiya.  
  
Omasu chuckled slightly over their antics from where she sat on the wooden porch. "They're getting along well, ne?" was her comment to Okon who sat beside her quietly sipping tea.  
  
"Aa." Okon agreed, setting down the cup beside her. "Misao-chan HAS been a bit down lately. He's good for her."  
  
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Misao sat on the roof of the Aoiya puzzling over Aoshi's strange behavior the entire day. ::It almost seems like there's something he wants to tell me but we keep getting interrupted. And from the ALMOST nervous expression on his face it's got to be something big.:: "I better talk to him about it later, it might be something important." She muttered to herself. ::Feh! It's got to be something important. Only something big would get him acting weird and he's been acting weird all day. Hell! He's been acting strange all week. He's paid more attention to me this week than the entire time he's been here since Shishio's death.:: "Mou!" She complained. "I'll never understand how his mind works."  
  
"Oi! Talking to yourself now?!" Sano asked, popping from the edge of the roof nearest to her.  
  
"AIYAAAHHHH!" Misao cried out in frightened surprise, fist flailing to ward off her would be "attacker"  
  
"Itai!" Sano cried, rubbing his poor abused head. "Careful weasel girl! You almost sent me falling down!" He said as he climbed on the roof beside her.  
  
"Baka! Then don't scare me like that!" Misao retorted. "What are you doing here anyway?!"  
  
"I was looking for you of course! " Sano answered, giving her a look that clearly said 'Isn't that obvious, ahou?!'  
  
"Well? What for?" She asked crossly, a bit miffed at being insulted albeit silently.  
  
"Guess what?!" He asked eagerly, a huge grin spreading on his face. "Well?" He leaned back on his elbows.  
  
Misao rolled her eyes, pretending exasperation. "Why don't you just tell me?!" She said, interest peaked nonetheless for she rarely saw this side of Sanosuke, in fact now that she thought about it, she has NEVER seen this side of Sano before. He was like an excited child during the festival.  
  
"I GOT A JOB!" He crowed proudly, turning to grin hugely at her.  
  
"Eh?" was her intelligent comment, jaw dropping in shock.  
  
"I. GOT. A. JOB." He said, emphasizing each word. He reached out with his finger to tip her chin from its precarious perch to its original position.  
  
"A job?" She repeated, unable to process what he'd just said. ::Sanosuke with a job?! It boggles the mind.::  
  
"Yup!" He replied. "I mean, I've already been here for more than a month. Almost two months in fact. Since it looks like I'm gonna be here for sometime yet I figured I might as well get a job. Need the money ya know? It's on the docks. Helping with the cargo and stuff. Hard work, but it pays fair."  
  
"Aba.gah.wah?!" She squawked.  
  
He laughed out loud; clearly pleased with the reaction he got out of her. "Now, go get ready! I wanna be at the theater early to get good seats."  
  
Misao snapped out of her shock. "Eh? What for?" She was saying that a lot nowadays.  
  
Sano gave her that 'Are you an ahou?' look once again. "I got my first pay for this morning, everybody knows you gotta spend your first pay on a night out with your girl."  
  
"But I'm NOT your girl!" Misao protested, blushing slightly. For a moment she could have sworn that Sano looked hurt and disappointed but it was gone to quickly for her to be sure.  
  
"Feh! Do I have to explain everything here?! I haven't got a girl in Kyoto! You're going to have to do!" He said an arrogant smirk.  
  
"HMPH!" She retorted haughtily, smacking him slightly on the head. "Fine! Just give me a moment to get ready."  
  
She carefully climbed down from the roof, all thoughts of Aoshi's strange behavior gone from her mind.  
  
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They walked home from the theater in companiable silence, each immersed in their own thoughts. They made a handsome couple drawing envious and appreciative glances from the passersby.  
  
Misao couldn't believe how much fun she'd had tonight. Dinner was delicious; they decided to be on the safe side and ate at Shirobeko. The play was a romantic tragedy that had her sniffling at the end. Sano kept falling asleep, scaring the women beside them with his loud snores. And when Sano WASN'T sleeping he was surprisingly good company making her laugh by mimicking the actors.  
  
Even now as they were walking home there was peaceful silence, one where you don't feel like you had to say something. She sighed; content to walk beside Sano enjoying the beautiful night.  
  
Then, so softly that she could have imagined it, she heard Sano's deep voice. "I think I love you, Itachi-chan."  
  
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Misao sat across Aoshi on the wooden floor of the temple porch preparing the tea for their morning ritual. She poured the tea on the cups distractedly, thinking about Sano. It has been a week since Sano's unexpected confession and she was still confused. Not sure what to think or how to react. She doesn't even know how she felt. Sano hasn't brought it up either; the few times that they were together seemingly content to pretend that it had never happened. More than once she wondered if she imagined it.  
  
"Misao." Aoshi said, startling her from her reverie.  
  
"H..hai, Aoshi-sama?" She asked, handing him his cup of tea.  
  
"Misao, there is something that needs to be said." Aoshi began, pausing to sip his tea slowly.  
  
"Yes?" Misao prodded when he placed his cup down.  
  
"I should." He stopped, brow furrowing, looking unsure of how to go about expressing his thoughts.  
  
Misao's eyes widened, never before seeing Aoshi this unsure.  
  
Then he nodded, as if deciding something. "Misao, People speak well of one's mind but rarely of one's heart for the heart of man is more difficult to understand than heaven itself. But I have realized that the enlightenment of one's heart IS one's heaven."  
  
"Aoshi-sama? Nani?" She asked puzzled, not entirely sure what it meant ::Huh? Heart? Enlightenment?:: "I'm not sure what you mean."  
  
He sighed. "Misao." He started, meeting her questioning gaze. "Will you be my wife?"  
  
Misao dropped the cup she was holding, the fragile porcelain breaking into a million tiny pieces.  
  
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After searching for several hours, Misao finally found Sano sitting on the roof staring at the stars. She climbed on quietly, sitting down beside him. "Sano?" She said, when he didn't immediately acknowledge her presence. She was a bit unnerved by Sanosuke's uncharacteristic silence.  
  
"Misao, what are you doing up here?" He asked, without looking at her.  
  
Misao winced slightly. "I was looking for you." She replied, quietly.  
  
He didn't answer. They sat there for a long while, staring up at the stars, neither one wanting to be the one to bring it up.  
  
"So I heard you're getting hitched." Sano, finally said, after the silence got to be too much.  
  
"Yes." She answered after a brief pause. "I guess they told you already, huh?"  
  
"Yeah, when I got home from the docks."  
  
"Ah." was her quiet reply.  
  
"Are you happy?!" He asked, finally turning to look at her.  
  
Misao, met his gaze, uncertainly. "Y.yes."  
  
Sano held her gaze for a moment before nodding. "Then I'm happy. For you."  
  
"Arigato."  
  
Sano just nodded. "We'd better go inside. It's getting late."  
  
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Misao stared blankly at her own reflection lost in thought. She shook her head slowly, trying to clear her mind of the memories that seemed to bombard her thoughts. She just couldn't understand. Why now? Why was she having these thoughts now?  
  
Then as if an invisible hand pushed her into motion, she stood suddenly, heading towards the door. Maybe she was imagining stuff. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but. She hesitated at the door, unsure if she was just stirring unwanted trouble. No, unwanted trouble or not, she needed to do this. She needed the assurance that she was doing the right thing. Decision made, she took a deep breath and walked out the door.  
  
She walked swiftly but quietly, her quick steps silent against the wooden floor of the halls of Aoiya. She slowed as she reached her destination, a shoji door not unlike the others that littered the hallway but with one difference the answers that she hoped to get behind this door may change everything in her life. This was it. She took deep calming breaths, wiping away traces of her tears from her cheeks with corner of her sleeve. One last breath and she slowly slid open the shoji door.  
  
"Sano?" she called softly. "Sano I need to." her voice trailed off as she took in the empty room.  
  
"Damnit!" She muttered, strode into the room unsure what to do. "Maybe this is it! See stupid girl?!"  
  
She paced the length of the room, mumbling to herself. "It's fate! Even Kami-sama's telling you something! Stop trying to analyze this. You've wanted this, wanted Aoshi for so long!" She pulled agitatedly at a lock of her hair. "Why are you even thinking about him? Don't you think that if he truly felt something for you he would have said something?! Anything! You're imagining something that's not even there."  
  
She sighed, and sat down at the futon still left unfolded in the middle of the room. She was so confused. Why was she thinking this way, what now? She reached out to absentmindedly trace the kanji at the back of the white gi that the tori-atama had so carelessly left haphazardly lying on the futon. "But isn't that just it? Even if I imagined everything, the way he acted. the way he looked at me. what he said. Isn't that just it? Doesn't that mean that there's something there on my part? Just because I imagined it doesn't mean everything's fine. It just means that there's something wrong with me, with how I feel."  
  
Yes, I need to settle this, she decided, squaring her shoulders as she headed out the room to look for the one person that had the answers.  
  
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She found him on the roof.  
  
He lay on the blue tiles bare-chested, surrounded by empty sake jars staring out into the sky. He paid her no attention as she sat down beside him carefully moving some of the many jars that littered the spot.  
  
They sat there for a long while. She, unsure of what to say. He, desperately ignoring her hoping that she's just leave, until he couldn't stand it anymore.  
  
"What are you doing here?" He said, turning red-rimmed eyes to look at her.  
  
Looking for you. She almost answered. The phrase had somehow grown between them and somehow right now it seemed. inappropriate. "I. I needed to talk to you." She said instead, mentally berating herself for the uncertainty in her voice.  
  
"Well, talk away." He answered flippantly, turning his attention back to the sky.  
  
"I. I wanted to ask about. that night. when you said. I mean did you." She started, stumbling over the words.  
  
He sat up quickly. "Misao, why are you doing this?!!! Why are you here?!"  
  
" I just need to know."  
  
"What for?!! Misao it doesn't matter! You're supposed to be down there getting ready, remember? Big wedding in a few hours?" He said sarcastically.  
  
"Why are you being cruel?! I just need to know. did you say that you loved me that night?" She burst out, hot tears pricking her eyes.  
  
"Why are YOU being cruel?" He shot back, running an agitated hand through his messy hair. " Why do you have this sudden need to ask me this? You're getting married in a few hours, this is what you want isn't it? Well great. I'm happy for you. Now leave me alone."  
  
"I just wanted to. " She quickly looked down as the tears she's been trying to hold back fell unbidden down her cheeks. She found herself clenching the cloth of her kimono in her hands." I thought."  
  
"You what?! You wanted to know?!!" He barked. "For what? So you can tell you're children? Oh your uncle Sano? He was in love with me a long time ago. he's probably still carrying a torch for me until now."  
  
Her head snapped up at his words. Blue eyes clouded by tears stared into his unflinchingly. "Just tell me. I need to know."  
  
"YES! I said it!" He shouted. "I love you Misao. There I said it. Is it gonna change anything? NO. Because 5 hours from now you're still gonna marry him!"  
  
She stared at him shocked as he threw himself on his back throwing an arm over his eyes. "I. Sano. I'm confused. Won't you let me."  
  
"Just leave me alone, Misao" He said, quietly.  
  
She sat there looking at him, before she exploded. "You're right Sano! This WILL be a good story for my children!"  
  
She stalked off.  
  
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Misao walked rapidly across the courtyard, unmindful of the way her makeup was smeared from her tears and her attempts at wiping them away, nor the tear in her kimono from the descent from the roof. All she cared about was she needed to talk to Aoshi fast. She didn't really know what she wanted to say. nor how she feels about the whole thing but she just knew that she needed to talk to him. Maybe he knew. maybe he had the answers.  
  
"Damnit!" She exclaimed as she stumbled over her long kimono. She reached down and hitched the train and hurried into the room where she knew she could find him. She burst through the door, panting in exertion.  
  
"Misao." He said, lips turning up minutely in what could be considered a small smile. He sat in front of his desk in his own formal wear looking over some papers in his hand. Then he took in her appearance and his face blanked out into its normal mask of stoicism.  
  
"Aoshi, I." She started, suddenly at a loss on what to say.  
  
He looked back at her expectantly.  
  
"I. Aoshi. I don't know where to start." She rambled, nervously pacing the room. "I actually have a point here, I'm just not entirely sure what it is. I'm just so confused, Aoshi. And I don't know where to start or what to say." She suddenly stopped her pacing and turned beseeching eyes on him, silently pleading for help.  
  
He looked back at her intently for a moment before moving to stand in front of her. "If you are looking to me for answers, Misao, I'm afraid I cannot give them to you. You heart is your own and you alone can decipher its feelings."  
  
"Right!" She broke eye contact and resumed her restless pacing of the room unable to hold his stare. "It's just for the longest time this was what I wanted, you know? Marriage. With You." She looked at him.  
  
" I was aware of that, yes." He agreed, standing perfectly still, seemingly unperturbed by her pacing.  
  
"Yes well, I thought you might" She replied, nervously chewing her bottom lip. "But you know the very first time I thought about it? When I decided I was gonna marry you? I was five and it was my birthday. I was crying by the river because otousan and okaasan still haven't returned from their trip. I thought they had forgotten. You see, they promised that they would spend the day with me and they didn't come. But you just suddenly came and sat with me and gave me this painted paper dragon. You spent the entire day with me. And from that moment on, I said that I would marry you someday. And nothing anybody said could convince me otherwise. And not once since then have I ever doubted that someday I will marry Aoshi Shinomori."  
  
She whirled around to face him, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Until now. Can't you see? For years and years, almost my entire life, I only had one future. In my mind I only saw myself married to you. And then he came and now I can see myself out of that. And I don't know if this means that I love him or if this just gave me another perspective. But, the fact of the matter is, he made me doubt something that for my whole life I've been sure of." She reached to touch his hand beseechingly but hesitated when his faced remained blank against the barrage of her words.  
  
"Can't you see? I can't do this! I can't marry you! I'm so sorry Aoshi- sama!" And with that she ran out of his office leaving him to stare after her. This was right. She did the right thing. Right?  
  
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In the end she found herself on the roof, her hair in disarray, clothes rumpled and dirty, and her makeup smudged and blotched from her tears. She sat there a long time thinking about everything and smiling at the irony of it all. How was it that on the day that was supposed to be the happiest day of her life she had done nothing but cry? And then when she made what was most probably the hardest and the saddest choice in her life, only then could she smile. Funny how things worked out. But she was glad she chose the way she did. Oh she knew there was going to be repercussions. There were questions to be answered, lectures to be endured but nevertheless she could smile.  
  
She didn't know when he arrived but he was suddenly just sitting there keeping her company as the sun set on the horizon. They sat there for hours neither one wanting to be the first to break the companionable silence that had settled over them.  
  
"Do you know that if I went through with it I would be at my wedding night right now?" She finally said, looking over at him with an ironic smile playing on her lips.  
  
He shook his head at her. "I don't know why you did what you did. Maybe you shouldn't have. He would have made you happy you know."  
  
She just smiled. "You know what?"  
  
He looked back at her expectantly.  
  
"I think I love you too, Tori-atama."  
  
"You shouldn't." He replied solemnly, but spoiled it by smiling back and drawing her into his arms.  
  
And it was there at that moment she knew she had chosen correctly. Because for the longest time she needed to hear words from the man of her dreams to confirm that he loved her as she loved him. But right now with the man of her heart she found she didn't need words at all. Content in the circle of his arms, she found she was ready.  
  
"Lets' go to Tokyo."  
  
-Owari- 


End file.
